God's report card.
Mon, 11. October 2010
The God Report
According to most Christians, their god not only created the entire cosmos but he is also an omnipotent being that looks like a human and runs the Universe personally. He created humans just so that we could all worship him and after fathering himself on earth he arranged to have himself executed to save the rest of humanity from being tortured by him for eternity. An interesting job description (if you can make sense of it) but if we were to write a report card on god's first 13.7 billion years, what would it say?
Name & Age:
Yahweh, 13,700,000,000 years
Honesty:
Not his best attribute. He attracts followers with the false promise of post-mortem survival; and he dishonestly encourages followers to believe he created the planet less than ten thousand years ago.
Punctuality:
Was very slow at creating humans. It took him 13,699,900,000 years to get around to it.
Also very slow at answering prayers.
Personality:
Very shy, unwilling to show himself and unwilling to speak. Likes to behave in a manner that makes him totally indistinguishable from a mythical, non-existent folk legend.
Requires us to accept his apparent non-existence as evidence for existence.
Schizophrenic personality - sometimes he thinks he's the only god, other times he pretends he is a trinity.
Literature:
Arranged for primitives to write a jumbled history book on his behalf but they made a hash of it by presenting him as a jealous, violent, blood-thirsty and vengeful psychopath in the first edition.
The transformation to a loving god in parts of the second edition might have worked better if he hadn't forgotten to recall the first edition.
Left out any useful information about the Universe or himself that would have led humans to a better understanding of either.
Leadership:
A very poor legislator, providing just ten simplistic laws to follow, whilst leaving the complicated legal stuff to us.
Alleged to have denied the first two humans from learning anything and still frowns upon scientists researching how the Universe behaves.
Teamwork:
Fills his followers with delusional ideas and immodestly expects them to constantly worship him like fawning zombies. Just loves listening to mundanely repetitive chants of meaningless songs about their love for him.
Encouraged his agents on Earth to bugger innocent boys at will and avoid detection for centuries.
Communications:
Good at showing his son's face in pizzas but entirely lacking in people skills, preferring to communicate with burning bushes, weeping statues and dreams.
Grossly under-achieves at prayer answering. Doesn't seem to listen. Often delegates these duties to underlings who are incapable of doing better themselves.
Summary
Sets a bad example and retains a mean streak by threatening an eternity of painful suffering in hell for anyone who doubts his love for us all. Still arranges for natural disasters to kill huge numbers, then tries to curry favour by 'saving' one or two in the rubble. His future on this planet is bleak, unless he improves his results in all areas.
See my astronomy images on my website: http://home.exetel.com.au/greybeard/Index.htm